Feeling loved and desired is a problem for many couples who have been together for a while. I frequently hear from a husband or wife who feels romantically stuck. Although things weren’t bad in their relationship, they felt that the spark had gone out.
The good news is that, while it’s common for romance and desire to fall into a rut, there are effective ways for couples to work their way out of it. The key is to learn how to talk to one another about what they are feeling. Intimate Communication | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
The problem is that talking about intimate feelings is difficult.
The Problem: Bad Habits.
For many folks, talking to one another is difficult because they have gotten out of the habit. While they talked a lot when they first fell in love, over the years, people get busy. Intentionally not setting limits for jobs, kids and other responsibilities results in there being no time for sharing.. Fortunately, one couples realize the need for creating time for each other, new habits can be created that will rekindle old passions.
Start with Simple Things.
I recently read an article that listed 15 questions that good wives ask their husbands. Women who are excellent wives constantly ask their husbands these 15 questions
In fact, this list of questions was not simply for wives; Husbands can talk with their spouses about them as well. Indeed, these simple and positive questions can help couples who have difficulty talking to one another about their feelings break the ice.
The key is to start slowly and think positively. While serious conversations about interpersonal problems can be difficult, they are doable. The key is for couples to understand that intimate communication is a process and not a single conversation,
With this understanding, couples realize that issues don’t have to be resolved all at once. Over time, positive experiences with smaller items help couples gain the confidence to speak honestly. This success with small conversations builds the trust necessary for tackling more complicated issues successfully.
With some effort and repetition, however, couples can get the hang of it and learn to share their experience. With this in mind, let’s look at some helpful conversation starters that can break the ice and begin the journey to better communication:
HELPFUL QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER
— How was your day? / What was the best part of your day? / What was the hardest part of your day?
To begin, start off any conversation by checking with your mate if now is a good time for them to talk. If it is, start wth a non-threatening inquiry. Asking about your partner’s day is a gentle way to show that you are thinking about and are interested in them. Depending on their responses, you can further ask about both positive and negative details.
— Would you like to change something in our routine?
Another innocuous question to ask your partner is how they feel about their relationship’s daily routines. Sometimes people get into ruts without realizing it. Worse, they often believe that they’re trapped or that nothing can be done to change things up. It is amazing how just asking a question can change a point of view and reveal important and needed changes.
— What do you like about our life together?
When possible, it is advisable to start a conversation with something positive. Taking the lead and expressing what you like about your relationship can encourage you to ask your partner what they like.
— Do you feel valued by me?/ What small gestures make you feel loved? / What can I do to make you feel more loved?
Another good way to begin a conversation when you are both relaxed and in a good mood is to ask if your partner feels valued by you. No matter how they respond, it’s helpful to ask what you do or could do that they like and/or would like you to do more often.
It is amazing how simple questions open an area of thought and feelings that are sometimes taken for granted or neglected.
— What things do you worry about in general? / Is there anything specifically, now ?/ Is there anything I can help you with?
From more surface scheduling issues, conversations can delve deeper into more sensitive areas. Problems and worries are areas that are sometimes difficult to engage with your partner. Once you both are comfortable talking about your day,
Of course, counseling can be helpful for couples who are stuck, but simple conversations may have surprisingly good results. It is important to stress that not every couple needs professional help.
— What dreams do you have for our future?
When folks feel stuck in a rut, it’s also helpful to think about the future. It’s important to imagine future goals. Accessing the positive parts of your life and relationship helps one to believe in a brighter future. Hope for the future gives one the courage to be vulnerable and share deep thoughts and feelings. Intimate sharing is the key to keeping love and passion alive. Intimate Communication | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY
The Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. October 17, 2025
