DOES YOUR MARRIAGE NEED A TUNE-UP ?
How are things going in your marriage? Are you having more arguments and less sex ? Do you feel distant from one another ? Are you laughing less and shouting more ?
The fact is, even the best marriages go through dry patches and rough times. That’s because intimate relationships are complicated and don’t run all by themselves. They require ongoing care and effort. That’s why it’s important to have a marital tune-up from time to time, when a couple reflects on what areas may need improvement. Marriage Tune-up | The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology
With that in mind, when’s the last time you thought about how well your marriage was running? If you’re like many folks, it’s been a while. Rather than thinking of marriage as something that takes care of itself, it’s more helpful to think of a relationship like an automobile that requires regular maintenance to run smoothly.
If talking about a tune-up sounds too mechanical, giving your marriage a spring cleaning is another way to think about marital relationship maintenance. Spring Cleaning Your Marriage: Tips for Rejuvenating Romance | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY However you refer to it, it’s important to take time to assess and address what isn’t working before it becomes a serious problem.
With that in mind, here are some tips for dealing with the most common problems in marriage. While a tune-up takes some effort, you’ll be amazed by what a difference it makes.
1) Improve Communication
The number one problem most couples struggle with is poor communication. Either they tend to hold in and not tell their partner what is really on their mind, or they bring it up in ways that trigger unpleasantness and anger, often making matters worse and discouraging further discussion.
While it’s natural to criticize your partner, it’s more helpful to express your concerns in terms of what you’re feeling and what you want. Making “I”-statements (rather than “you”- statements) helps your partner to hear your concern without becoming defensive. Learning to communicate directly without personal attacks can dramatically improve communication and help resolve relational conflicts.
2) Be More Thoughtful and Considerate
It is common for folks who’ve been together for a while to take one another for granted and stop doing the little things that make their partner feel special. The prior, naturally felt attentiveness was the result of the release of the body’s love drug, Phenylethylamine (PEA), which wears off over time.
It is important to understand that the excitement of being together is not gone for good, but it does take effort to reignite it. Fortunately, intentional kindness and consideration can replace PEA and rekindle faded intimacy and desire. In addition to romantic gestures like saying I love you, or bringing home flowers, small considerate things like running errands, vacuuming, or anything that makes life a little easier for your partner, stoke love and passion.
3) Pay More Attention to Personal Appearance
Another common casualty of long-term relationships is personal appearance. Sadly, many folks just stop trying to look nice for their mate. Looking nice doesn’t mean that one has to “dress up” all the time. It just means attending to your personal hygiene, what you’re wearing, and how you look.
Simple things, like getting rid of those ratty shorts or buying a new shirt, can not only improve your appearance but also send the message that you want your partner to like how you look.
4) Increase Romance and Intimacy
Modern life is hectic and filled with many stressful obligations. This is particularly true for young couples with kids. As a result, having sex suffers. Nonetheless, good marriages must make time for and schedule romance. Understandably, there are times when finding time to be alone is difficult. Even so, it is important to understand that having uncluttered time alone for closeness and sex is vital to a happy marriage. Planning ahead for childcare and scheduling special times can do the trick.
5) Keep Perspective by Remembering the Good Times
When folks are under stress, it is easy to fall down a dark hole of negativity. This is not only difficult for the person experiencing it but also for their partner and family. Learning how to monitor stress and pessimism can help one to prevent depressed moods from getting out of hand.
Reminsicing with your mate about good times from the past helps restore a more balanced perspective. (Of course, if feeling hopeless persists, talk with your doctor or therapist.)
________________________________________________________________________________________
So, if getting a marriage tune-up sounds interesting, it’s easy to do. Just tell your partner about this blog post. Ask them to think about what they like and don’t like about your relationship. Then, ask how s/he’d feel about sitting down and discussing things that need improvement. Set a time and the rest will take care of itself. As always, if things are more complicated, talk to a marriage therapist.
Of course, there are other concerns that can be part of a marital tune-up, but I hope the areas I’ve listed give you an idea and help you get started. The goal of a marital tune-up is, of course, is to address overlooked or neglected problems. Beyond that, a marital tune-up helps you and your partner develop ongoing mindfulness about your relationship’s needs and an increased ability to talk over difficult issues. Having a marital tune-up will not only keep your marriage in tip-top shape but also restore much of the original joy and excitement, and deepen your intimacy and sense of closeness.
Rev, Michael Heeath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 5 17 2026
